Equal Chance 10000 Guaranteed!

'Think of a fish beginning with W and ending in W'?
Now Jaan just loves puzzles and took time to think about this one.I gave him a few minutes and told him the answer was....Walthamstow. 'That not a fish' he said. It's a place (Plaice).

Well both myself and the taxi driver found it bloody hilarious and laughed all the way to 'Equal Chance' Card Club in Walthamstow where 10 large was guaranteed in prizes. We arrived unfashionably early and my first impression was a little unsettling as we were buzzed in through a thick door down a dark alley.All our worries were melted away as the moment we set foot in the cardroom we were treated like royalty. We were promptly signed up and no jeering remarks were made about my passport photo for a change. We were issued with our membership cards and a shiny new card protector each which was a nice touch.The staff were amazingly attentive and welcoming, something you don't see much of in big commercialised card rooms but inate in family run establishments.

The tourney kicked off pretty late @ 9:30 but who cared with 10000 up for grabs? It didn't take long to spot the dead money at my table and I was able to capitalise on a few rookie mistakes. I was sitting pretty at the break with just over 8000. Given the fact that starting stack was 1000 and I didn't rebuy I was pretty happy so far. After the break I dropped to 5000 and was moved to a rock garden with a rather colourful gent sitting opposite. He was sporting a red suit (his lucky one) red matching specs ,a red bowler hat and enough whack bling to make a suit of armour for Doyle Brunson!

I needed to loosen up and with late position pushed all in with QJ. To my horror a crafty gent in earlier position was slow playing KK but as I had sold my soul to Satan long ago I had nothing to fear and rivered a straight. What the hell did I do that for?? Must be losing it....
I decided to take a few caffeine tablets (poker buscuits) as I was getting drousy and my mind was starting to wander. I managed to donk up to 22000 and was moved again. As more and more players were introduced to my table the scene got uglier and uglier. The infamous Ade 'don't raise my blind or be punished' Bayo joined as did Willie 'The Diceman' Tann.

I was thinking back to an article I read about when Andy Black played against Stu Ungar in the W.S.O.P. To cut a long story short Andy became star-struck and gave Stu all his chips. Now don't get me wrong as I have the utmost respect for Mr. Tann, but he was getting none of mine. You wouldn't believe the monsters I was laying down but I didn't want to give him ammunition to shoot me with and steered out of his way.

Then Ade started eyeballing me. I winked at him, he winked at me. I knew this was going to be like watching a car crash..Horrific yet mildly entertaining.. I raised his big blind from the button and he reraised. I pushed all-in and he had no choice but to fold as I had him well covered. He asked me my name and I replied in my best John Wayne accent 'Why I'm the Gutshot Kidd'.He handed me his business card which read something like Welcome to Phsycism...I predict you will give me all your chips.
'Cute' I quipped as I put the card in my mouth and started to chew. It was worth it just to dismiss the myth that Willie Tann didn't smile. Ade was fuming and busted out on the next hand.

It was Willies turn to try to make a few bold plays but his all-ins fell on deaf ears.The trouble with going all in every hand to pick up the blinds is that eventually you're gonna get a caller with a monster. Willies hand didn't hold up and he now was short stacked. Another raise and some creative speechplay by pokers equivilant to the annoying possums from the movie 'Ice Age' and Willie had to lay his rags down. 'I had nothing Uncle' taunted the young scallywag as he turned over 7-4 offsuit. Clearly the lettuce was starting to eat the rabbit.Two hands later and Willie 'the Diceman' Tann was out. I'm not sure he was too fussed as he has already won over 1.5 million in his tournament career and I'm sure he won his tourney entry back in the cash games.

Anyway back to the job in hand. Our table was now an eclectic mix of Cypriots,Englishmen, a Paddy,to my right a Jamaican (Whos slow thought process was driving me mad) and to my left a Scandinavian (Whos Hyper analysis of each play was driving me insane). Thank God Ade Bayo and Willie Tann were busted out or we'd run the risk of looking like an advertisement for the United colours of Benneton.

It wasn't long before controversy struck again. Jaan (shortstacked) pushed all in under the gun. I didn't put him on much and decided that Q10 suited was the best hand I was gonna see for a while so I called.
Now heres where it gets interesting so follow closely...
There were 5 players in the initial pot, myself,Jaan and 3 possums. It became apparant after the turn that the possums were checking down the pot to isolate a player. I however picked up an inside straight draw (pathetic I know but the Gutshot Kidd is not renouned for making the best decisions under pressure)and wasn't going to let them check it down for 4 reasons..
A) I believe checking a pot down to isolate a player is borderline collusion
B) I was probably beating Jaan and wanted all his chips
C) To value advertise as the blinds were killing me and I wanted callers for my next all in
D) To spank the possums behinds for being so obnoxious

I pushed all in and got the possums off their hands (paws)
My straight didn't materialise and Jaan took the main pot with pocket 8's. When I showed my hand the room went ballistic and the floor manager was called. He told me that my play was 'diabolical' but not illegal and we played on.
The possums nest was broken open and they were NOT impressed. I argued that checking the pot down was collusion but that made them madder. I urged them to put their chips in next time if they thought they were ahead.This made them madder still and they released a plethora of abuse upon me. I was a this,I was a that. (I didn't believe them as my parents were married long before I was conceived).

When I was employed in a Dublin Casino I asked the owner what makes a good poker player? "Balls young man,Balls" he replied.
Only last week I was assured by a female player that her success was due mainly to her breast size. Of course!! It would be biologically impossible for her to have balls so she uses her next best weapon of mass distraction..
Well I am not known for having the biggest family jewels and the only nuts I have I play, so I used my next best natural defence...The Power of Tilt.

Half of the table including the dealer were now on tilt.
Tilt is one of the most underrated psychological weapons. Having read many books on the subject and being a naturally annoying so- and- so I feel this is my strongest game play. Poker genius Mike Caro discribes it as the art of loose wiring and now I was holding the screwdriver. I waited and waited until an opportunity arose in the form of A2 of diamonds in late position. I raised half of my stack and was put all in by a possum. I couldn't let go and called. The whole thing went in slow motion as he turned over his Cowboys.I still wasn't worried as I hoped I would hit. This is where there's a fine line between optimism and stupidity and it was all over. I hit the rail in 13th position....Karma indeed.

I was given a sympathetic shoulder to cry on at the bar in the form of Mario. He gave me the most loving post-mortems I ever had and listened attentively as I ranted,coughed and spluttered my way through the previous ten minutes. When the mist cleared I decided to watch the final table for a bit which was a pantomime in itself.Jaan went on to cash in 7th position which was a miricle given the conditions under which he was playing. A spectator broke the elasticated boundry of the final table and started tilting players by slapping them on the head and shouting in their ears. I thought greater control needed to be excercised by the tournament director as this obnoxious behaviour should not be tolerated in any cardroom. Many of the players vowed never to return which is a shame given the quality of the rest of the tourney.

I didn't sleep much that night and went for a walk the next morning to clear my head. A2 of diamonds was haunting me and I had to let go. Ok I should have limped or folded and I'll never make that mistake again.The one good thing to come out of it all was the confirmation of my gender. After all..Diamonds are a girls best friend..not the Gutshot Kidds.